


Just Don't Ask (you wouldn't believe me anyway)

by pikasafire



Series: Well, Fancy That [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Aggressive handholding, Crack, M/M, Supernatural Elements, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-03-01
Packaged: 2017-12-04 00:05:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikasafire/pseuds/pikasafire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not that Eric has a problem getting into Jeff's pants. It's just -- he really has a problem getting into Jeff's pants. Also known as the fic where Jeff Skinner is a unicorn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Don't Ask (you wouldn't believe me anyway)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure I failed at Crack!fic. But whatever, I blame masterpenguin82.

*

Jeff Skinner has a crush on Eric that's pretty much visible from space. It's not a big deal or anything.

Except it kinda is.

Jeff's into him, _really_ , but he can't help the little frisson of pain that shivers down his spine when Eric touches him. He's not pure. And through the gear and on the ice, it's fine, but Jeff kind of knows hoping for anything more is a lost cause.

Sometimes being a unicorn sucks. Only being able to have sex with virgins the one time? Yeah, there's not many of those lying about the NHL.

And so when Eric kisses him, mistaking the little gasp of pain from Jeff as pleasure, presses forward a little closer, Jeff has to push him away. "I can't."

Eric looks confused, "I thought- I'm sorry. I-"

And Jeff figures better now than never, right? "Its not that. Look. I'm... Well, I'm a unicorn." 

Eric laughs. "Yeah, okay." He says, teasing. "Do you poop rainbows?"

Jeff fixes him with a glare, "Why would you even think that's appropriate to ask?"

It's angry enough to make Eric pause, blinking at him in bewilderment. "Um. Okay."

"You can't touch me," Jeff tells him. "You're not pure."

"Sure, I am," Eric says, pressing in close again. "I'm definitely pure."

Jeff scowls, pushes him away harder than he should. "No, you're _not_. I can tell."

This is one of the weirdest conversations Eric's ever had. And he had three brothers. "You know, if you're not interested, you can just say. It's okay. I know I'm your Captain but you shouldn't-"

"I _am_ interested." Jeff scowls. "You just can't touch me."

Oh. 

"Alright." Eric says slowly. He'll play along. "But you can touch yourself, right? We can totally figure this out."

*

It's becomes something Eric tries not to think about. He's pretty sure that there's a clause somewhere that says if one of his team starts thinking he's a unicorn, Eric should probably report that to team doctors or something. And if he has to explain that to the doctors, he'll probably lose his winger, and, y'know, have to explain they're fucking around. Well. Jerking off together; Eric's pretty sure that counts.

That's really something Eric doesn't want to have to explain. Jeff's weird ass delusions haven't affected his game.

Except, it's a game against Pittsburgh and Eric watches as Jeff takes the shot and the puck slides to the back of the net, at an angle that cannot be fucking possible. 

"The fuck was that?" He demands after the game.

"Sorry," Jeff says mournfully, "I can't always control my unicorn powers."

That's not the _point_. "Why the hell haven't you been doing that all season?"

"Unicorns don't cheat," Jeff says haughtily.

Yes, of course. Of fucking course.

Eric's remarkably pissy considering they just won, but if Jeff's not playing to the best of his ability, if he's holding back because he's suffered some sort of weird unicorn delusions, then something is going to have to be done.

*

"Skinner thinks he's a unicorn." Eric announces when Brian, the head trainer, ushers him into one of the assessment rooms.

Brian blinks at him. "Yes. We know."

Well. Okay. "He's not playing to his full capabilities." Eric says, because this cannot actually be happening, "He said unicorns don't cheat."

"They don't."

What? Oh god. Eric's surrounded by crazy people. "Jeff Skinner." He says, keeping his voice very calm and even, "Is not a unicorn."

Brian just looks at him sympathetically. "Yes, he is."

*

"I can't believe you didn't believe me." Jeff says, indignantly.

"You told me you're a fucking _unicorn_. What was I suppose to think?" Eric throws his arms in the air. "You might as well told me that Sasha's a pixie."

"Don't be ridiculous." Jeff sighs, rolling his eyes. "He's an imp."

Eric stares, "An imp?" He blinks slowly, "Fuck off. And I suppose Cam is a-"

Jeff lunges for him and presses a hand over his mouth, "Shhh!!!" he looks a little scared, not an unusual expression when considering Cam, "Are you crazy? We don't mention Cam. Cam knows what he is, we know what he is, we just never talk about it."

Eric stares some more, "You're all fucking crazy."

Jeff sits next to him, as close as he can without them touching. "Sorry."

"You don't sound very sorry."

Jeff shrugs. 

"Okay." Eric takes a deep breath. "You're a unicorn. You have magical unicorn scoring powers that you won't use because it's cheating. You can't touch me because I'm not a virgin. Anything else you want to add to that?"

"Well," Jeff starts.

Oh god, Eric is already really regretting asking.

"I have magical blood and, um, other fluids," Jeff offers. "That's not so weird, right? And I'll live a really long time." He thinks, "I guess that's a little weirder. And I heal quickly."

"Other fluids?"

"Yeah, well." Jeff actually looks a little embarrassed. "You've got the obvious. And unicorn puke's actually worth a lot on the market."

Yep. Eric really wishes he hadn't asked. "So," he says, pressing on. "I really can't touch you." Because what they've been doing is great and all, but watching Jeff get himself off is one thing, and not being able to touch him is driving Eric up the goddamn wall. "Ever?"

Jeff doesn't meet his eyes. "It hurts." He says, "When someone impure touches me."

Great. Now he feels guilty too., thinking of all the times he's tried to reach out. "There's nothing we can do?"

Jeff shrugs. "I'm looking into it."

*

Eric's pretty sure he's never been so embarrassed about his Internet searches, but after three weeks of looking up sex and unicorns, they kind of give up.

Which is, of course, is when they find out about Jordan.

"Tape." Jordan says, holding it out to Jeff on the palm of his hand as they get ready for the game.

Jeff reaches out and steels himself for the stab of pain that... never comes. It's a warm feeling of contentment instead, with a small spike of lust.

"You're pure." Jeff says, eyes shining, tossing the tape to the floor so he can grasp Jordan's hand properly.

Eric stares at him then at Jordan, "No fucking way."

Jordan just looks uncomfortable. "Could you let go of my hand?"

"No." Jeff says absently, staring at him creepily. "You're _pure_."

"I think there's something wrong with your unicorn powers." Eric says. "Because Jordy is many things. _pure_ isn't one of them."

"Unicorns." Jordan says, trying to tug his hand out of Jeff's vice grip. "Are you fucking kidding me? Did you take a blow to the head?"

" _Pure._ " Jeff repeats.

"What does that mean?" Eric demands. "I've _seen_ him fucking people. Like, _actually. In my bed_."

Jordan takes suspicious eyes off Jeff to roll them in Eric's direction. "Jared was sleeping in mine. What was I supposed to do?"

"It means," Jeff says, looking awestruck, "It means I can actually fuck him."

"Whoa, who said anything about gay fucking?" Jordy demands.

"But he's _not pure_." Eric stresses. "That's not fair."

"You ever had sex with a guy?" Jeff asks, still clutching Jordy's hand like a vice. 

Jordan's as far away from Jeff as possible, eyeing him suspiciously. "No." He says slowly, "Not really my thing."

"Are you fucking kidding me," Eric demands of Jeff. "That's a very specific kind of pure."

Jordan looks between the two of them, still trying to extricate his fingers. "Yeah, you know what, I'm going to go now. Um, maybe back to Pittsburgh. Who would have thought Sid and Geno would be _less weird_ than you two?"

"You're not fucking my brother." Eric says, "No way."

"Uh, guys." Cam says from behind Eric. "Not to break up this somewhat hilarious conversation, but we've got a game to play."

*

Eric's not sure how this happened. A month ago, he was captain of a normal hockey team, with a crush on one of his players.

Now, he's captain of a hockey team that apparently consists of an Imp, a Unicorn and a _something_. And his boyfriend is trying to fuck his little brother because he's a gay virgin. What?

It's no surprise they lose the game.

Cam comes up to him after the game, grabs him by the scruff of his shirt. "Come with me." He hisses, tugging harder than strictly necessary. 

It's not like Eric has much of a choice with the way Cam's strangling him with his own shirt. He stumbles, wrenching his neck out of Cam's grip. "I'm coming. Jesus." Cam manhandles him out into the parking garage, shoves Eric none-too-gently into the passenger seat.

"I don't have my wallet. Or my keys." Eric protests weakly. And if he's a little reluctant to leave Jeff and Jordan alone, then who can blame him?

Cam ignores him, gets into the other side of the car. "Shut up."

"Where are we going?" Eric asks after they've been driving for an hour. 

Cam has some serious crazy eye going on, pupils wide and twitchy. "We're gonna solve your purity problem."

Oh. Well, that's okay then.

Three hours later, and Eric's bored. "Seriously. Can you be more specific?"

Can grins at him, all teeth. "Nope."

Fine. But Eric's going to take a damn nap.

*

There's sunlight when Eric opens his eyes again, the skyline of New York City in the distance. "Are you fucking serious?"

Cam grins. "Did you want to visit Marc while we're here?"

Eric looks at him like he's crazy (which he might be, with the twitching and the thirteen Red Bull cans on the floor.) "Um. No. Would _you_ like to explain to Marc why we're in New York City?"

Cam shrugs, pulls across three lanes of traffic without indicating. Great. Eric's going to die in a fiery car wreck.

"Why _are_ we in New York City?"

"I told you. We're fixing your purity problem."

Eric knew that much, "Yeah, but why _here_?"

"You'll see."

*

They park illegally outside a little bar in the Village. 

Eric eyes it. _Tiny's_ , says the name out the front. It sounds familiar but he's not sure why. 

Cam doesn't bother knocking, heading for the back staff-door and letting himself in. 

"We're closed." A voice says from the shadows in the back. "Come back at five."

"Even for me?" Cam calls, grinning.

There's movement in the darkness, the flick of a switch and the room is flooded with light, a guy standing in a doorway across the other side of the room

"Avery." Eric says, after a moment of realisation.

"Staal." Avery fixes him with a glare. "Ward."

Eric's pretty sure he's not imagining the way Avery steps back when Cam moves forward, keeping a respectable distance between them. "Aw, don't be like that." Cam says, and there's an edge to his teasing. "Eric here needs your help."

"I'm assuming its not for food and beer then." Avery says, "Hank's not here."

"You can mix too. Don't even pretend you can't. He's having some unicorn trouble."

"We don't advocate the murder of unicorns." Avery says, voice cold.

Cam scowls, "With Jeff Skinner, you dick."

Avery raises an eyebrow at Eric, his entire demeanour changing. "Oh, really?"

Eric can't help but blush, "I'm not pure." He mutters. 

The laughter that follows isn't unexpected, "Yeah," Avery says, "I can help with that." He glances over, slyly. "It'll cost you."

"Anyth- OW!" Cam steps on his foot. Hard. "What the fuck did you do that for, you prick!"

"Don't promise him 'anything', you stupid fuck." Cam mutters, "Never promise _anything_ to a faerie."

"A _what_?" This is doing his head in. "I just want to be able to have sex with Jeff, okay?"

Avery laughs, gestures him closer. "Come into my parlour," he quips, starting a little when Cam steps forward too. "Just Staal." He says coldly. And for a moment, there's a stand off, Cam's hand gripping tight around Eric's elbow.

"Don't thank him. Don't touch him." Cam murmurs under his breath. "And keep your eyes on him at all times." He slips something into Eric's coat pocket. "Go on."

"Um. Okay." This seems a bit stupid. He's spent time with Avery before. Granted, it's never been willingly, but whatever.

Avery leads him through the restaurant, upstairs to a back room that seems to be an office. Eric tries not to be nervous as Avery shuts the door behind them, bolting it tight.

"Right." That smile has far too many teeth in it for Eric's liking. "You need to be pure again, hey?" He heads to a cupboard in the corner, a few murmured words under his breath and the locks glow a sickly green, the doors swinging open. There's jars and bottles, top to bottom and Eric's definitely sure he doesn't want to know what's in most of them. "Alright. Should we discuss payment first?"

"Any-" Eric starts to say, catches himself. "What do you want?"

Avery actually looks pleased that Eric caught himself, "Smart boy." He says, somewhat sarcastically. He holds up a vial. "You'll need to take one of these before you fuck him."

"Every time?" Eric asks, unsure. 

Avery looks at him like he's stupid. "Obviously. You'll only be pure until you have sex. Then you'll have to take another."

This isn't really answering Eric's question. "How much?"

"The ingredients are rare." Avery says, feigning sadness. "It'll cost," He stops to think, "A thousand dollars. Per vial."

Jesus. It's expensive, but Eric doesn't hesitate, "Money's not an issue. You know that."

Avery holds up a finger, "I'm not done." He places a small empty jar on the table in the centre of the room, "I'll also need you to fill this for me. Once a month. Then I'll make sure you have a regular supply so you and your boy can enjoy yourselves properly."

"Fill it with what?" Eric asks warily. 

"Unicorn blood." Avery says, "Nothing complicated. It can be used in all sorts of things, but it can be hard to find. Unicorn blood has to be freely given."

Eric thinks about it for a moment. That can't be too hard. It's just a little bit of blood, and if Eric is going to have to take a potion, surely Jeff can do his bit and give a little bit of blood. "Alright." Eric says cautiously. "I think we can do that."

"Shake on it." Avery says, holding out a hand. He grins, shark-like. "You'll have to take the bread out of your pocket."

"The- what?" Eric must've heard wrong.

"You've got bread in your pocket."

Eric's not sure when everyone he knew turned crazy, "I don't-" Wait. Cam put something in there before. He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a stale piece of white bread and stares at it in bewilderment. "What-?"

"Just toss it in the bin," Avery says airily. "Then shake on it."

This seems like a stupid idea to Eric, but so does having bread in his pocket. And, it's _Avery_. Surely it's not like he's going to hurt him. And even if he was going to, what would _bread_ do to stop him? He tosses it gingerly on the bin by the desk, startled when suddenly, Avery is _right there_ , inches away, hand held out expectantly. 

"Shake on it."

Eric holds his hand out gingerly, concerned at the tightness of Avery's grip; The stinging pain that radiates down his arm. He hisses, pulls his hand away.

"What did you do?" Eric asks, heart racing. He stares at his hand, a little green dot in the centre of his palm.

"Oh, calm down." Avery says, rolling his eyes. "Nothing serious. Just making sure you don't renege on our little deal, yeah? Don't break your promise and nothing will happen."

"And if I do?" Because he can't help asking.

Avery grins at him, "I'd suggest you don't." He fiddles with a bunch of jars in the cupboard. "Now wait there for a few minutes while I mix this up for you."

"What's in it?"

"Trust me," Avery says, concentrating on coaxing a few lurid blue drops out of a bottle, "Don't ask. It'll do what you want it to. That's all you need to know." It takes him about fifteen minutes of stirring and mixing before pouring a horribly purple sparkly potion into fifteen small vials. "Here's your first month supply."

"Is that going to be enough?" Eric asks.

He gets a withering look in response. "Ration it out." Avery says. "That's fifteen thousand dollars right there."

It seems so much more expensive when said like that, but If it works, it'll be worth every cent. "I, um. I don't have my wallet." Eric realises, "Cam didn't let me-"

Avery rolls his eyes, "It's fine. I know you're good for it. Bring 30k next time. If you don't bring it next time, you'll be dealing with Hank." He hands over the vials, carefully wrapped in fabrics. "Don't break them. Seriously."

Eric looks down at the pile in his lap, then up at Avery. "Thank you." He says, heartfelt. 

It's weird, the way Avery's face shutters. He grabs the glass jar from the table, thrusts it towards Eric. "Don't forget your part of the deal."

 _Don't thank him_ , Cam had said. "Sorry," Eric says quickly. "I didn't-"

"You can go now." Avery says, turning his back. 

It's pretty clear that apologising isn't going to help, so he gathers the things, hesitates at the door before he leaves.

Avery follows, silent like a ghost, and the hair on the back of Eric's neck bristles a little. _Don't take your eyes off him._. Great, he's broken all three of Cam's rules. 

He's grateful when he sees the shape of Cam's body, loitering in the shadows of the restaurant. He steps forward, eyes suspicious, and in a quick, sharp movement, reaches out, pulling Eric in close behind him. "What did you do to him?"

Avery holds his hand up, placating. "Nothing. Just made sure he wouldn't forget his part of the deal." He grins, but it's far from amused, shark-like and hungry, "He thanked me. I just wanted to make sure he remembers that it doesn't excuse him from anything."

"It's a common pleasantry," Cam snaps, "You know that. Don't be a dick."

"Be that as it may, he's mine now."

Cam's eyes glow, a threatening red, teeth pointed, "Touch him and all the amulets in the world won't save you."

Instead of looking afraid, Avery just looks amused. "He agreed. Everything was of his own free will." He says. "Nothing even you can do anything about." He wave a hand, gesturing toward the door "Now, you've wasted enough of my time. I have a restaurant to run."

"Thats what you think," Cam snaps as they leave, Cam pulling Eric behind him, fingers tight around his wrist while Eric tries his best not to drop his very expensive bag of potions. "What did you promise him?" Cam hisses when they're outside again, sunlight disconcerting after the darkness of the restaurant. 

"What?" Eric asks, startled. "Nothing bad! Just a lot of money, really."

"How much?"

"A thousand? Uh, each vial."

Cam rolls his eyes. "He saw you coming." He mutters, "Is that all?"

"Um." Eric knows before he even opens his mouth that Cam's going to be mad. "He, uh, gave me a jar. To fill," he hedges.

"With what?" His tone is low and dangerous. 

"Jeff's blood." Eric mumbles. "Freely given. Once a month."

"Are you fucking _serious_?" Cam demands, furiously. "Surely you're not that stupid." He stares at Eric like he's waiting for a punch line. " _Please_ tell me you're not that stupid."

"I- what?" Eric says defensively. "It's just a bit of blood."

" _Unicorn_ blood, Eric, you fucking idiot. Do you even know what that _does_. Haven't you read Harry Potter?"

Eric's had enough. "No, actually, Cam. I _don't_. Because no one's told me a fucking thing. Like why the fuck you put bread in my pocket? Why I now have a weird green dot in the centre of my hand? Why my boyfriend is a _fucking unicorn_?" He's vaguely aware he's shouting about mythical creatures in the middle of a street in New York City, but seriously, enough is enough. He's _sick_ of not knowing what's going on.

Cam just stares at him, eyes cold, a flicker of red behind them. He reaches into his pocket, throws Eric the keys. "You're driving home." He says. 

*

Cam wakes up three hours outside of Raleigh, climbing into the front seat. "Alright," Cam says. "We can fix this."

"You know this whole thing is fucked, right." Eric says. He's had five hours to stew over how badly he's screwed up. And it's kinda putting a damper on the whole 'able to fuck Jeff' thing. "And what did Avery mean by he _owns_ me?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Cam says darkly, "I'll deal with it. And the blood thing." A pause. "I wouldn't tell Jeff about that part, if I were you. Unicorns are kinda sensitive about their blood."

"I can still use the potions right, though?" Eric says, dread settling heavy in his stomach.

Cam rolls his eyes. "Yes, you can. Avery might be a dick, but his potions work. I wouldn't have taken you there otherwise."

"And I'll be able to get more?"

"Priorities, Eric." Cam says, fond exasperation. "I'll make sure you can get more. And I'd be taking one now if you're planning on seeing Jeff. It takes an hour or so to work."

Eric fumbles around on the floor until Cam swats his hand away, pulling one out for him. He pops the stopper, hands it over. "Bottoms up." He says, with a grin.

"I don't want to know what's in this, do I?" Eric asks, eying the sparkly liquid with dread.

Cam laughs, "You really don't. Just... think of Jeff."

It's one of the most disgusting things Eric's ever put in his mouth and he makes a face, tries not to spit it out. "Oh God, that's gross." Eric says when he forces himself to swallow. "There's gotta be a way to make that taste better." But he can't help smiling.

They drive the rest of the way in silence.

*

"Eric?" Jeff asks, looking confused, dressed in a pair of old sweats and a hockey t-shirt. "Where have you been?"

Eric can't stop himself from pressing forward, curling his hand around the back of Jeff's neck and stepping in close, letting his touch answer the question for him.

Jeff flinches for a second, ingrained habit, then relaxes, staring up at Eric with wide eyes. "You're pure." He breathes, disbelieving. "How-"

"Magic," Eric laughs, leans down to kiss him, "And I can do it again."

"You drove to New York to see Lundqvist?" Jeff demands, disbelieving, "You crazy fucker."

Eric shuffles Jeff backwards, kicks the door closed behind him. "Can we talk about this later?" He asks, pressing his mouth to Jeff's neck. "I'm pretty sure we've got more important things to do."

*

"You can't sleep with Jeff," Eric announces to Jordy the next day in the locker room.

Jordy stares at him, "I'm... devastated?" He says.

"Yeah, you should be." Eric says smugly, pulling off his shirt to get dressed for practice, very well aware of the bites that litter his shoulders and chest. 

"Okay," Jordan says, looking ill, "You know what, I don't want to know. I'm going to go call Sid. See if its not to late to move back to Pittsburgh."

Eric just grins.

*

END

**Author's Note:**

> To sequel, or not to sequel. That is the question. How does Cam deal with Avery? Does it work? What will Jeff do when he finds out about the blood? OH, THE DRAMA.


End file.
